Saturday, April 14, 2012

Bill the Vampire by Rick Gualtieri: Character Interview

There are reasons we fear the night.
He isn't one of them.

Meet Bill Ryder: programmer, gamer geek, and hopeless dweeb when it comes to women. All he ever asked for out of life was to collect his paycheck, hang out with his buds, and eventually (someday) ask out the girl of his dreams.

However, then Bill met Sally. She was mysterious, aggressive, and best of all...smoking hot. Bill never stood a chance. Before he knew what was happening Sally had lead him to his death, and that was only the beginning of his troubles.

Now Bill awakes to find himself an undead predator of the night. The only problem is He’s still at the bottom of the food chain.

He’s in way over his head, surrounded by creatures more dangerous, better looking, and a whole lot cooler than he is. Worst of all is the dreaded Night Razor, a master vampire who just can’t stand him. He gives Bill a 90 day deadline to either prove himself or meet a more permanent kind of death, and the deck is definitely stacked against him.

But Bill isn’t exactly average. A vampire like him hasn’t been seen in over five centuries. He's got a few tricks up his sleeve, unlikely allies to help him out, and an attitude problem that makes him just too damn obnoxious to quit. He may just pull it off... if he doesn't get his teeth kicked in first.

Bill the Vampire is an 80,000 word horror comedy adventure by Rick Gualtieri.

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Editor’s note: Despite repeated warnings that this is a family website, our latest interviewee refused (or was incapable of) toning down his language. Thus we have taken the liberty of censoring some of his more risqué comments to ensure this interview meet our standards.

Could you please introduce yourself?

Sure. My name is Bill Ryder. I’m a vampire. Yeah yeah, I know what you’re thinking. Trust me, we exist. And yes, it’s a good thing that the majority of the world doesn’t know it. Believe me, most vampires are ####s. The problem is they’re ####s with super powers. That’s not a good thing. Think an immortal Legion of Doom here. In fact, there’s a good chance that just by reading this you’re signing your own death warrant. Apologies in advance if that happens.

Who is your favorite author?

I’m not sure, but I can tell you who isn’t: namely the ###hole who writes my books. Dude couldn’t write his way out of a paper bag. I keep telling him, “sex it up a bit, throw in a few more amorous encounters for me,” but he’s like, “No. I’m trying to keep this realistic.”  Realistic!?  He’s writing about freaking vampires for Christ’s sake!  Needless to say, I’ve really gotta find someone new to work with.

Oh yeah, your question. I’ve read a lot of the Dragonlance books. No idea who wrote them, but they’re kind of cool. They gave me a lot of ideas for my D&D characters. Just sayin...

What was the scariest moment of your life?

Gee, let me think for a moment...oh yeah, how about dying? Scary enough for you? Well it wasn’t exactly a picnic for me either. Something about getting my throat torn out by a big ### with oversized canines just didn’t do it for me, but maybe I’m just funny that way.

Morning Person? Or Night Person? How do you know?

What are these, questions from the short bus? Repeat after me, I’m a vampire. I’d last for about thirty ###ing seconds as a morning person. After that, you could just vacuum me up with a dust buster.

What are you passionate about these days?

Well I’m definitely passionate about my girlfriend. She is the most wonderful, beautiful, awesome-smelling girl on the planet. Do the words Happily Ever After mean anything to you? Well that’s going to be us...well just as soon as I ask her out on that first date. Ok so maybe girlfriend isn’t the right word, especially since she doesn’t know it yet. question!

What is your favorite meal?

Oh, I see we’re lobbing the softballs again. Here’s a hint: it starts with BL and ends with OOD. Although I kinda like nachos too.

What’s it like being a vampire?

In a word, it sucks. Imagine being the lone nerd in a high school full of ###head jocks and brainless cheerleaders. Well now imagine doing that for all of eternity. Oh yeah, and if you decide to step outside to take a break from it all, you disintegrate if the sun’s out. That’s me. Tons of fun, I tell you.

Is it really that bad?

Well it’s not all bad. For starters, having vampire powers kinda rocks. Secondly, I’m told I’m a special, rare type of vampire, one that hasn’t been seen in over five centuries. That gets me a few perks too, although it’s also earned me my fair share of ###kickings as well.

I’m also lucky in that I have a couple of good friends who have my back. My two roommates, Tom and Ed - both human by the way - are always there for me. I wouldn’t trade that for all the blood in China.

There’s also Sally. She’s my main ally on the vampire side of things. I don’t trust her nearly as much as my roomies, but she’s a whole lot more pleasant to look at. It’s a trade off, but I can live with it especially since she has an ### that just won’t quit. I could stare at that all day long, if you know what I mean.

We’re about out of space here, is there anything else you’d like to add?

Yeah, just a bit of advice to your readers out there. If you’re like me (an average looking person who just wants to surf the web or play video games) and suddenly you find yourself invited to a party by a woman or guy who’s WAY out of your league...don’t go!  It’s too good to be true. Trust me on this. Unless, that is, you’d like to wake up to an eternity of sucking blood clots and getting your teeth kicked in by the creatures of the underworld.  If you do, well then all I’ll say is have fun, weirdo!

Author, Web Guy, Gadget Freak. What can I say; I'm a regular renaissance geek. On the professional side of things: I have over 15 years of experience programming, designing, marketing, and managing. As for authoring: I am a huge fan of horror, adventure, and comedy and as such that's where I tend to write. Even better if I can combine all three into one unholy mishmash. I look at writing much like I look at B-movies. There is only one unforgivable sin that must be avoided at all costs: Thou Shalt Not Be Boring! Finally there's the gadget geek part of me. All I will say here is have iphone, will travel. 'nuff said, now go read the blog!


Rick Gualtieri is a comedy & horror writer. He was born in the latter part of the 20th century, at which point the world as a collective said 'meh'. Thus began his journey through a life filled with all sorts of quirks and oddness. What better thing to do than write about it? Rick currently lives in NJ, a good place to be for people like him.

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